Today my girlie has a friend over. It's an all-day, all-night playdate. Fun. They've scrapbooked and goofed around and now they're working on a Broadway-style production. I love this girl and her family.
So I'm not annoyed as much as puzzled by this exchange with our young guest.
Eleanor: Be careful! Don't squish your cellphone! (The girls were climbing in and out of a big shipping box and taking turns decorating it. Yeah, they're 10 1/2 and 12 and still play in boxes.)
Guest: It's getting in the way!
Me: Where is it?
Guest: It's in my pocket!
Me: Why don't you just put your phone with your other stuff? You don't need it now.
Guest: Well, my friends keep texting me to ask where I am. And I have to text them back to say "I'm with a friend and can't talk now" but they text me back to ask what I'm doing and I text again to say "I can't talk now!"
Me: Why don't you just stop answering them then? You don't have to respond immediately.
She didn't answer this. Not out of rudeness; she just didn't have anything to say. And their game went on.
I don't get the impression that the phone and the texting was troublesome to Eleanor, who does not have her own cellphone and has never received a text in her life. (She has sent a few to her Dad, dictated by me while driving.) I haven't had a chance to ask if it bothered her, and will probably forget about it by the time I do. It's not particularly troublesome to me, except: here is this girl, not even a teen yet, who already feels the urgency of responding immediately to every text message from friends. While, by the way, at the home of another friend.
Of course, it would seem rude to the texting friends if she didn't respond to them immediately. Because they know she has the phone, and that she has constant access to it. It's not as if she might be out of the house and away from the home phone. She has the phone, she can answer the phone... so she must answer the phone.
I know I'm getting old but I just don't want to be a part of that world. And I don't want my kids to either.
But I don't guess I can stop it.
Do you ever ignore your cell phone? Do your kids?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Maybe there should be a tv show about what teens should be doing
The only thing I know about the TV show "Skins" is what I've seen linked on Drudge Report. I followed one link to a preview of the show but when I saw I had to verify my birthdate to view it because of the mature content, I knew I didn't need to spend waste my time.
But then I saw this defense of the show by one of the stars:
So, maybe there should be a tv show about what teens should be doing.
But who would watch that?
But then I saw this defense of the show by one of the stars:
It's what teens are doing.
So, maybe there should be a tv show about what teens should be doing.
But who would watch that?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Chain letter guilt
The other day I received email from a friend I'd fallen out of touch with. We had been pretty good friends, but I moved and then she moved and our lives went on without each other. I'm not sure when the emails stopped, and I don't know who owed whom a letter. We just stopped.
My excitement at hearing from her faded as soon as I realized that it was just a chain letter. Just a mass mailing, no personal contact. My heart sank a little. I am not the best at keeping in touch with old friends. Sometimes months go by between communications. I try to send out a quick "hi, how are you, what's up?" mail to old friends a few times a year, at least. I don't really like that, but it's the reality of my life, and most of theirs.
Never would I dream of sending a chain letter to an old friend like that.
But I don't like the chain letters anyway. The one I get most often is the recipe sharing letter. I never do it. I don't know 6 or 7 or whatever number of people I need to send the letter on to in order not to break the chain. OK, I do know that many people (I'm not that pathetic) but not that many that want to do the recipe swap. There are so many places to find recipes, why bother with a chain letter? Usually I follow the instructions on the letter and advise the person who sent it to me that I'm not sending it on. That way she can find someone else and not break the chain. Or not. I don't really care one way or another.
So if I have your address, don't worry, I will never, ever send you a chain letter.
This post is mistitled. I have zero chain letter guilt.
My excitement at hearing from her faded as soon as I realized that it was just a chain letter. Just a mass mailing, no personal contact. My heart sank a little. I am not the best at keeping in touch with old friends. Sometimes months go by between communications. I try to send out a quick "hi, how are you, what's up?" mail to old friends a few times a year, at least. I don't really like that, but it's the reality of my life, and most of theirs.
Never would I dream of sending a chain letter to an old friend like that.
But I don't like the chain letters anyway. The one I get most often is the recipe sharing letter. I never do it. I don't know 6 or 7 or whatever number of people I need to send the letter on to in order not to break the chain. OK, I do know that many people (I'm not that pathetic) but not that many that want to do the recipe swap. There are so many places to find recipes, why bother with a chain letter? Usually I follow the instructions on the letter and advise the person who sent it to me that I'm not sending it on. That way she can find someone else and not break the chain. Or not. I don't really care one way or another.
So if I have your address, don't worry, I will never, ever send you a chain letter.
This post is mistitled. I have zero chain letter guilt.
That word again
We're reading Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, a book about a black family in Mississippi during the Great Depression, in our little homeschool this week. It's been on my list for a while but I finally pulled it out to read for a couple of reasons. It's on our list for Reading Olympics, a book competition my kids are participating in this year. (Teams read books and answer questions about them.) And, it contains the word which must not be spoken, which has been on my mind again lately. I've complained about the word before on another blog, a long time ago. It's time again.
Everyone's heard about and expressed an opinion on efforts to remove the word from Huckleberry Finn. Some might also have heard about the high school that's worried about staging the play "Joe Turner's Come and Gone" which contains the word, because it is so offensive. August Wilson, the playwright, was half black, and probably used the word for a reason. It would be ludicrous to remove it from the play.
So rather than hand Roll of Thunder off to my kids, I decided to read it to them. We haven't had a good book going for a while, and I wanted to be able to read the word and talk to them about it. They already know they must not say the word. But I didn't want them to shy away from the book because of it. I'm not skipping it or replacing it with "slave" (as proposed for Huck Finn) or the stupid phrase "the n-word." That's not how the author wrote the dialog, so why would I presume to change it?
Mildred D. Taylor, the author, was hurt by criticisms for using the word. In a speech accepting an award for her work, she said
My kids can't comprehend that anyone ever treated black people as they were treated in this book. They flinch when I say the word. That is a good thing.
Everyone's heard about and expressed an opinion on efforts to remove the word from Huckleberry Finn. Some might also have heard about the high school that's worried about staging the play "Joe Turner's Come and Gone" which contains the word, because it is so offensive. August Wilson, the playwright, was half black, and probably used the word for a reason. It would be ludicrous to remove it from the play.
So rather than hand Roll of Thunder off to my kids, I decided to read it to them. We haven't had a good book going for a while, and I wanted to be able to read the word and talk to them about it. They already know they must not say the word. But I didn't want them to shy away from the book because of it. I'm not skipping it or replacing it with "slave" (as proposed for Huck Finn) or the stupid phrase "the n-word." That's not how the author wrote the dialog, so why would I presume to change it?
Mildred D. Taylor, the author, was hurt by criticisms for using the word. In a speech accepting an award for her work, she said
,Now, however, there are those who think that perhaps my recounting are too painful, and there are those who seek to remove books such as mine from school reading lists. There are some who say the books should be removed because the "N" word is used. There are some who say such events as described in my books and books by others did not happen. There are those who do not want to remember the past or who do not want their children to know the past and who would whitewash history, and these sentiments are not only from whites.
In Texas recently a Hispanic father went to the school board and asked thatThe Well be removed from school reading lists because the "N" word was used. In Orange County, California a black mother objected to her son reading Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry in a class where he was the only African-American, and the school’s solution to her objection was to seat her son in the hall while the book was being read. In a Northern state, a black church questioned a book like Roll of Thunder being presented in the schools to its children.
I am hurt that any child would ever be hurt by my words. As a parent I understand not wanting a child to hear painful words, but as a parent I do not understand not wanting a child to learn about a history that is part of America, a history about a family representing millions of families that are strong and loving and who remain united and strong, despite the obstacles they face.
In the writing of my most recent work, titled The Land, I have found myself hesitating about using words that would have been spoken in the late 1800s because of my concern about our "politically correct" society. But just as I have had to be honest with myself in the telling of all my stories, I realize I must be true to the feelings of the people about whom I write and true to the stories told. My stories might not be "politically correct," so there will be those who will be offended, but as we all know, racism is offensive.
It is not polite, and it is full of pain.I recommend Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, which is listed for kids ten and up. I wouldn't give it to a ten-year-old to read on his own. It is a book read together so you can stop and talk about it, often.
My kids can't comprehend that anyone ever treated black people as they were treated in this book. They flinch when I say the word. That is a good thing.
Monday, January 03, 2011
Singing the back to work blues
It's back to work today after a too-long Christmas vacation. I had planned our December homeschooling badly and our vacation started sooner than I'd wanted it to. If I had been on top of things, I'd have had lots of good independent work for my kids to do while I did pre-Christmas work of my own. Instead, the books were forgotten and my kids watched way too much tv, none of which could be considered educational in any meaningful way. They did learn some new curse words, though, and we had some useful discussions on why there is so much adultery on tv crime shows, so maybe it wasn't all bad. (I do like the way they audibly flinch when they hear even mild profanity. They are still not used to it, as I was growing up.)
We always have a hard time transitioning back to work after a vacation. My usual lecture includes reminding my kids that their school friends have to get up and go to school for a full day when vacation is over, getting right back into math, grammar, and all that other work they do. I know by now to their ears, that song sounds like the teacher in a Charlie Brown movie. That argument means nothing to them: they don't go to school. We chose a different life, so why do I go on and on about the one we rejected?
This year I tried something new. The inspiration came in a conversation with a friend at our New Year's Day open house party. When I asked her if she was back to work on Monday, she sighed heavily and said yes reluctantly. I haven't worked for quite a few years but I remembered those back-to-work days after a vacation. Brutal. Even when I liked my job, it was hard to go back after a break.
So on Sunday as we discussed the upcoming week I talked about people with jobs instead of students at school. My kids are not employees yet, but I expect they will be someday, and they may as well understand that they will have their opportunity to sing the back-to-work blues as adults too.
For some reason this seemed to make more sense to them. At least, they didn't argue. They seemed to actually hear my words, not the usual blah blah blah. The seminarian and I reminisced about great vacations that ended and not-so-great jobs we had to go back to. And great jobs that were still hard to go back to, because vacation is so much more fun.
Of course being back to work for the kids meant back to work for me, too. I didn't have as much free time as they did over the past few weeks, but it was hard putting together the week's assignments, making sure all the books were in their proper places, and getting myself up and organized, ready to encourage them on their way today. We had a pretty good start, and are on track to do what I set out to do. No one complained; the morning work was done quickly and well. Now it's lunchtime; I'm taking a quick break for myself while the kids do a few chores, then we have a little more work to do. I try to finish the work they find tedious (math, grammar) in the morning and save the more fun work (science, history) for the afternoon.
Since our vacation started earlier than planned, we don't have any new books or activities starting today. But I did add a new book to our breakfast time reading: Discipline, The Glad Surrender, which I have mentioned before.
I had said it's a good book for homeschooling mothers but I think it's good for homeschool students as well. The writing is mostly clear, the chapters short, and it leads to good discussion at the table. That is how our best days start: with books and talking. Whenever I tweak our daily routine, I leave a big chunk of time for breakfast whenever I can. Somehow this helps them transition into their work better. A morning prayer helps, too.
Back to work doesn't have to include the blues.
I'm writing this post for the fifth anniversary of the Carnival of Homeschooling. I lack the discipline (heh) to write a post for every weekly Carnival, but I guess I've submitted a few each year. Sometimes I forget to read it, or I'll go through a few weeks where I just ignore it because I'm tired of homeschool talk. But I always go back. Thanks very much to Henry and Janine Cate of Why Homeschool for starting the Carnival!
We always have a hard time transitioning back to work after a vacation. My usual lecture includes reminding my kids that their school friends have to get up and go to school for a full day when vacation is over, getting right back into math, grammar, and all that other work they do. I know by now to their ears, that song sounds like the teacher in a Charlie Brown movie. That argument means nothing to them: they don't go to school. We chose a different life, so why do I go on and on about the one we rejected?
This year I tried something new. The inspiration came in a conversation with a friend at our New Year's Day open house party. When I asked her if she was back to work on Monday, she sighed heavily and said yes reluctantly. I haven't worked for quite a few years but I remembered those back-to-work days after a vacation. Brutal. Even when I liked my job, it was hard to go back after a break.
So on Sunday as we discussed the upcoming week I talked about people with jobs instead of students at school. My kids are not employees yet, but I expect they will be someday, and they may as well understand that they will have their opportunity to sing the back-to-work blues as adults too.
For some reason this seemed to make more sense to them. At least, they didn't argue. They seemed to actually hear my words, not the usual blah blah blah. The seminarian and I reminisced about great vacations that ended and not-so-great jobs we had to go back to. And great jobs that were still hard to go back to, because vacation is so much more fun.
Of course being back to work for the kids meant back to work for me, too. I didn't have as much free time as they did over the past few weeks, but it was hard putting together the week's assignments, making sure all the books were in their proper places, and getting myself up and organized, ready to encourage them on their way today. We had a pretty good start, and are on track to do what I set out to do. No one complained; the morning work was done quickly and well. Now it's lunchtime; I'm taking a quick break for myself while the kids do a few chores, then we have a little more work to do. I try to finish the work they find tedious (math, grammar) in the morning and save the more fun work (science, history) for the afternoon.
Since our vacation started earlier than planned, we don't have any new books or activities starting today. But I did add a new book to our breakfast time reading: Discipline, The Glad Surrender, which I have mentioned before.
I had said it's a good book for homeschooling mothers but I think it's good for homeschool students as well. The writing is mostly clear, the chapters short, and it leads to good discussion at the table. That is how our best days start: with books and talking. Whenever I tweak our daily routine, I leave a big chunk of time for breakfast whenever I can. Somehow this helps them transition into their work better. A morning prayer helps, too.
Back to work doesn't have to include the blues.
I'm writing this post for the fifth anniversary of the Carnival of Homeschooling. I lack the discipline (heh) to write a post for every weekly Carnival, but I guess I've submitted a few each year. Sometimes I forget to read it, or I'll go through a few weeks where I just ignore it because I'm tired of homeschool talk. But I always go back. Thanks very much to Henry and Janine Cate of Why Homeschool for starting the Carnival!
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Push
My boy is a pretty good Boy Scout. He does what he's told and doesn't cause trouble. He's enthusiastic and helpful, I hear. He's advanced appropriately and has been given responsibility as a leader of a patrol (a group of boys within a troop). So he does pretty well.
But he's not what you call a self-starter. He's at the point now where he gets to pick the badges he wants to earn, and start working on them. No one is pushing him to do any particular work; it's up to him to earn the badges he needs to advance in rank. He reached this point early last fall, but he hasn't started working on any badges yet. This isn't because there aren't any badges he's interested in; there are many. He settled on two a few months ago. Now he just can't get started.
So every week or so I ask him what he's doing. The answer, of course, is nothing, which causes me to get frustrated and start to wonder what is wrong with this kid? I ask him if he's not interested in advancing in Scouts; no, it's not that. I ask if he's done with Scouts (while praying he is not) and he looks at me as if I have two heads and no, of course not (with the silent but implied you idiot on the end).
Then I coach him on the next steps. Who to talk to at the next Scout meeting. Who to call. He still needs help sometimes with phone calls. So far we haven't made much progress, though. One merit badge counselor said he'd be at a meeting, but wasn't. Another hasn't responded yet to email. Now this boy is content to wait, forever if necessary, for them to respond to him. He feels that their turn now. Which technically it may be, but he's the one who wants the badge, so he's got to be the one in charge. He can't be passive.
He prefers to be passive. It is in his nature to be passive, to let events flow over him and carry him along. Not to make events happen.
I struggle mightily with this characteristic of his.
Throughout all this I'm thinking about it, a lot. Should I stop pushing him? Should I let him succeed or fail on his own, and stop getting involved? I don't want him to drop out of Scouts, and I'm afraid he'll do that if he stops working on rank advancement. But, what good is it if I'm always pushing him? I can't push him forever. One day he is going to have to get along without his mommy telling him what to do. But is he ready for that?
Sometimes I wonder if this is a homeschool thing. Schoolkids have their teachers telling them what they need to do, and when, and from what I gather, most (not all) parents pretty much stay out of it. (I don't mean they are not involved, but they aren't the ones pushing the kids to get things done. That's my impression from conversations with other mothers, not the result of scientific research on the topic.) So why shouldn't I stay out of Scouts? Why am I always pushing, reminding, nagging?
We are always pushing our kid to do things that, it seems, other kids don't do. For example, if he is going to miss a Scout meeting, we make him call the guys just above and below him in the leadership hierarchy. He used to hate making those calls, but now that he is a leader he sees the value in it. As a leader, he finds it's helpful to know if someone is going to be absent. Almost every week someone just doesn't show up. I don't understand why the parents don't have their kids make that call. Maybe they just stay out of the kids' Scout business.
Anyway, I spend time thinking about these things.
Last week, after I helped him email the badge counselor to get started on the "Pets" badge (a no-brainer for our family), I asked him what he wanted me to do. Keep pushing, or shut up?
He thought for a minute and said "Mom. Remember that year I hated making phone calls so much I almost missed a campout?" (Oh yes I do. He needed a piece of information from one of the adult leaders. He was so afraid of making that call he tried to convince me - and himself - that he really didn't want to go on this campout after all. Once I forced him to make the call, his desire to camp came back.) "Now, I don't mind calling people I know. But I still hate calling people I don't know. And you know I'm forgetful. So..." deep breath here; is he about to cry? "Yeah, can you help me a little longer?"
So we made a deal. One more rank advancement, and then he's on his own. Can he do it? We'll find out in about 6 months, I think.
But he's not what you call a self-starter. He's at the point now where he gets to pick the badges he wants to earn, and start working on them. No one is pushing him to do any particular work; it's up to him to earn the badges he needs to advance in rank. He reached this point early last fall, but he hasn't started working on any badges yet. This isn't because there aren't any badges he's interested in; there are many. He settled on two a few months ago. Now he just can't get started.
So every week or so I ask him what he's doing. The answer, of course, is nothing, which causes me to get frustrated and start to wonder what is wrong with this kid? I ask him if he's not interested in advancing in Scouts; no, it's not that. I ask if he's done with Scouts (while praying he is not) and he looks at me as if I have two heads and no, of course not (with the silent but implied you idiot on the end).
Then I coach him on the next steps. Who to talk to at the next Scout meeting. Who to call. He still needs help sometimes with phone calls. So far we haven't made much progress, though. One merit badge counselor said he'd be at a meeting, but wasn't. Another hasn't responded yet to email. Now this boy is content to wait, forever if necessary, for them to respond to him. He feels that their turn now. Which technically it may be, but he's the one who wants the badge, so he's got to be the one in charge. He can't be passive.
He prefers to be passive. It is in his nature to be passive, to let events flow over him and carry him along. Not to make events happen.
I struggle mightily with this characteristic of his.
Throughout all this I'm thinking about it, a lot. Should I stop pushing him? Should I let him succeed or fail on his own, and stop getting involved? I don't want him to drop out of Scouts, and I'm afraid he'll do that if he stops working on rank advancement. But, what good is it if I'm always pushing him? I can't push him forever. One day he is going to have to get along without his mommy telling him what to do. But is he ready for that?
Sometimes I wonder if this is a homeschool thing. Schoolkids have their teachers telling them what they need to do, and when, and from what I gather, most (not all) parents pretty much stay out of it. (I don't mean they are not involved, but they aren't the ones pushing the kids to get things done. That's my impression from conversations with other mothers, not the result of scientific research on the topic.) So why shouldn't I stay out of Scouts? Why am I always pushing, reminding, nagging?
We are always pushing our kid to do things that, it seems, other kids don't do. For example, if he is going to miss a Scout meeting, we make him call the guys just above and below him in the leadership hierarchy. He used to hate making those calls, but now that he is a leader he sees the value in it. As a leader, he finds it's helpful to know if someone is going to be absent. Almost every week someone just doesn't show up. I don't understand why the parents don't have their kids make that call. Maybe they just stay out of the kids' Scout business.
Anyway, I spend time thinking about these things.
Last week, after I helped him email the badge counselor to get started on the "Pets" badge (a no-brainer for our family), I asked him what he wanted me to do. Keep pushing, or shut up?
He thought for a minute and said "Mom. Remember that year I hated making phone calls so much I almost missed a campout?" (Oh yes I do. He needed a piece of information from one of the adult leaders. He was so afraid of making that call he tried to convince me - and himself - that he really didn't want to go on this campout after all. Once I forced him to make the call, his desire to camp came back.) "Now, I don't mind calling people I know. But I still hate calling people I don't know. And you know I'm forgetful. So..." deep breath here; is he about to cry? "Yeah, can you help me a little longer?"
So we made a deal. One more rank advancement, and then he's on his own. Can he do it? We'll find out in about 6 months, I think.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
The best and the worst
The best thing about hosting a big crowded party is... there is no time to eat any of the massive amount of food that's being served.
The worst thing about hosting a big crowded party is... being alone with all the leftovers after everyone's gone... and starving from not having eaten all day.
The worst thing about hosting a big crowded party is... being alone with all the leftovers after everyone's gone... and starving from not having eaten all day.
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